Brain Swells

No, this is not about my gigantic ego. During my second or third chemotherapy treatment, I learned it causes my brain to swell and push against the sides of my skull. That's why I feel dizzy and need to take anti-nausea medications which mess up my digestive system and so on and so forth. I also think it's making me a bit s-l-o-w, but that's our little secret. For all you know, I typed all this in twelve minutes, one-handed. lkji fukytm.

Chemo number four is coming up tomorrow, and I'm excited about what this means for the old grey matter. All those jiggly twists and turns will hopefully be getting a rest after this last dose of Adriomycin/Cytoxin, and I'm thinking that will bring relief to the rest of my body as well. My brain seems to be the leader, and I think it's been recruiting other body parts in its revolt. Either that, or it's just REALLY lazy and has been leaving it all up to my spleen, who we all know to be an idiot.

While my brain is at high tide I can... forget that I'm driving, forget everything you just said, get super cold tingles up my torso, or have my ears burn unexpectedly. During these last few weeks my dreams have been extremely boring, usually drawing off of whatever t.v. show I watched before going to bed. One night I thought I had to pick out a sparkly ball gown to prepare for the next work day. I won't tell you what I was watching.

I get flashbacks of places: the Golden Gardens dog park in Seattle and different every-day things I would have been doing if I still lived there. I had the same mental impressions when I was there and thinking about Phoenix, but now I can see the leaves on the trees and look all the way up to the sky. If I wanted to I could imagine it like a peel-and-stick stage adding people, fuzzy hats, and turn on the late-night spot lights to flood the puddles. I can see my shoes in the dirt swallowed up by my pant-legs, and my long hair in my eyes as I bend down to pick up a ball, but it all makes me a bit sad.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm really worn out with this cancer thing... seriously. I hope I get my brain back. My cerebral functions with about as much normalcy of a Felini film, with much less action. And do me a favor and let me know if you think my eyes are bulging out more than normal, will ya? I thought I could feel one of them touch the inside of my glasses. Thanks.



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