The Will

Prior to one of my appointments I was casually asked, "Do you have a Living Will? Would you like information on how to set up Advanced Health Care Directives?"

Do I! Of all my concerns dealing with cancer, I hadn't thought of anything like a filling out a Living Will, 'Do Not Resuscitate' order, or appointing a 'surrogate' to make decisions for me. I was a little surprised, but was handed a Cancer Center tote bag and gladly took any and all pamphlets she offered.

The idea excited me in some way, because these were things I finally had control over, like I was going on a shopping spree for my death. Whatever I say or do needs to be before then, including the more morbid tasks. I can never know when, where or how, but I can ease my family's minds by letting them know exactly what I want and can ease my own that I've provided it for them.

Here is what I DID think about... what to do with all my stuff. The following is an excerpt of something I wrote after believing I had cancer once before. My car died shortly afterwards (RIP Little Beauty):

"...I wrote out a list of my belongings, first starting with my most prized posessions, my dog at the top, then my car whom I confidently put in the hands of my friend, Lesley. She had been the worst person I rode with ever to handle a stick shift... reving the engine high and popping the clutch like a fake can of peanuts. The wheels of her first little Escort had the rubber ripped off mercilessly at every stop. Still, I felt my car had treated me well, and in her old age could use the excitement.

Not really... I hoped Lesley learned to drive better.

I went through all of my things. I gave my indoor plants to one person, my outdoor to another. I don't know what my brother would do with my furniture, but I didn't know what else to give him. Money was something I was confused about and was sure would be spread too thin and spent too carelessly to bother allocating it. Altogether, I guess it took care of moving everything out of my apartment, which felt good to think of... having nothing.

Then I would have to set about the task of everyone feeling warm & fuzzy about me dying... making a video with bad electric piano in the background and slow-motion footage of myself, smiling (with a tinge of muffled pain). I would have missed being able to watch the thing over and over again... honestly, I love nothing more than myself and people devoting attention toward me. But chances are, no one would agree to film it besides my friend, Duane, who would probably have to kill himself immediately afterward.

Then reality hit me... I was starting to feel too sick to imagine sitting up in a hospital bed and entertaining tens of visitors, ever-present at my bedside. I would probably only have one visitor anyway, my mother, and I wouldn't have the patience or sense not to complain the whole time. I was beginning to wonder if I even had the energy.

I didn't know yet, if what I had was fatal or even serious. I just knew that if I had the chance to live, I'd rather spend it sleeping. And no one was going to pay to see that... "

With that said and after all that preparation, I fully expect my life isn't even HALF over, but you never know. Maybe my dumb self will get in a car accident next week or I'll choke on an oversized bar pretzel. That's just part of the fun. For now, I'm feeling pretty good, and know that's all the more reason to live and love well. Take care of YOURselves, too... you'll be a lot more enjoyable to be around.

If you are interested in setting up a Living Will, here is some information for the State of AZ: http://www.azsos.gov/adv_dir/.